The only thing I ever wrote that I liked.

I wrote this the morning they took my dementia infested Grandmother, my father's mother, to the nursing home. The last day I would see her alive. This happened just weeks after returning home from three weeks on the road with Midstates and the American Princes. Up until now whaich was maybe the happiest three weeks of my life. At that point she had been at my house for about a year. No longer able to care for, feed or trusted to do anything herself. Maybe I was just that happy to be away that long. She had been alone since my grandfather divorced her in 1982. I wrote him a letter in January telling him about my travels and the robbery/shooting. I explained I had a great girl and was really happy and wanted to talk to him more often than the once-a-decade family reunions. I havent heard back yet.


Mon, Jun. 12th, 2006, 07:11 am
Where is the V in ne’er-do-well?
6:04am

The screaming started again
Right on schedule

It is cold in my room
Cool for this time of year
The window needs more effort than I want to give
In order to get it to compromise itself by closing all the way

She howls like a spoiled girl
Til I hear her head hit the floor
Above me

Silence

I had never wished someone would die before
Of my own family
An ever further thought
Till today

I was disappointed
When I heard her start talking again
Slightly quieter than before

My dad

Said something yesterday
He said it twice

He yelled back
He pushed her down
He may have punched her
I didn’t want to ask

They are coming
I can hear it
She is calmer with strangers

He meant it

She said she hated us
She meant it

She said it twice
As they helped her down the stairs
She walks slowly
I think there is something wrong with her foot

Another man at the door
At this moment
She called him Jack and yelled at him

The look on his face was kinda funny

But if I would have laughed then
I would have lost it

I did anyway
After what my aunt said
She said she would rather have cancer
She said it twice

I believe it is the only time in human history
That phrase was uttered
With sincerity

I had to return to my room

With the open window
To cry alone

I wondered why I could not cry with my family
With my dad
It seemed like he would see it
As a weakness

He thought I was weak
Or at least gay
I wanted to be there, for him

But that just isn’t the way it is

The ambulance, fire and police wait
Till the end of the street
To turn their sirens back on

Yesterday
As he was coming up the stairs

After picking her up
After dragging her inside
After she threw herself on the ground

He said
If I ever get like that
Shoot me
Shoot me

He said it twice.